


A Mile in My Skin

by Pathologies



Category: Ren and Stimpy
Genre: Body Modification, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 07:06:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren discovers the ultimate beauty product. But will his new looks get to his head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Mile in My Skin

Ugh, another morning. Ren awoke feeling like he took a bath in grease and was immediately left to dry. His eyes cracked open as he watched Stimpy happily skip right to the bathroom mirror, looking at his nice fur.  
  
"A perfect coat, like always! Isn't grooming great?" he remarked to his canine friend.

  
The chihuahua returned with a noncommittal groan, "Why don't you shut up and give some real beauty room?"

  
The mirror had its own disagreements with the chihuahua. Indeed Ren saw his skin was cracked, dry, and yet somehow he managed to get...

  
"Another zit!" he groaned in disgust, "Why does this keep happening to me?!" he smashed his fist against the mirror, not making a single crack. Frustrated, he hit it again. And again. Several tries had not made one dent.

  
He cried out of hopelessness, "It's not fair! Every day I get more zits and itchy flaky skin! And then in the afternoon I start sweating through everything! When am I going to look beautiful?!"

  
"But Ren," added the manx cat from the kitchen, "You're the most beautiful chihuahua ever!"

  
"That 's easy for you to say! You don't know anybody" he howled, "It isn't ENOUGH! I need REAL beauty. I want people to drop dead from how gorgeous I am!!!"

  
"Hey ugly!" the TV interrupted, "Tired of itchy, dry skin? Getting unsightly zits all over your putrid greasy pizza face? Want real beauty, the kind that'll make people drop in worship for you?"

  
"GET TO THE POINT YOU WORTHLESS TV!!!" his feet practically did a little jitter dance from anticipation.

  
The TV spokesman disappeared on-screen, replaced by  a black container, "Then try our new free trial with limited interest and inflation of Scrub! Just rub it on your skin and you're ready to go! Call the number on the screen to start feeling beautiful. Warningdonotuseindirectsunlightnearpoweroutletsandmoonlight.Sideeffectsincludefacialbleedingintestinaltumorsinsanityandthegout."

  
Immediately the company had sent several crates of Scrub. The sales rep shook his hand, a sign of good faith for the chihuahua, "Thank you Mr. Hoek for signing up for out beta test trial version of Scrub. I guarantee if you're not happy with the results we'll send over our free double trial version of Snoreal. Congratulations and welcome to a life of beauty."  
"Finally, now I can start getting some recognition! Now get out of here!"

  
The sales representative nodded in agreement, stepping out the home. As he left he muttered in afterthought, "Sucker."

  
With eager glee, the mutt pried open the first crate to rows of black tins. His grubby hands handled one, unscrewing it to viscous orange goop.

  
"True beauty is mine...joy..." his jaw drooped open in unbridled joy, "Stimpy! Go get the mop and rub this on me!"

"Duh...how much?"

"At least twenty tins."

Stimpson gasped, "But Ren, that's like..." his brain buzzed in an attempt to do math, "Two whole tins! Isn't that a lot?"

"I didn't ask you to do quantum physics, I asked you to get the mop and grease me up!"

The cat, easily placated by Ren's commanding voice saluted, "Aye aye sir!"

Two hours of Stimpy's vigorous greasing and rubbing later, he had finished. There in bed lay a dog encased in a least a five inch layer of dribbling ooze. 

Ren muttered through a closed mouth as to not swallow any of the material, "Now all I have to do is wait overnight and tomorrow morning I'll get everything I ever wanted."

"But Ren," interjected the manx cat, "I thought you wanted pectoral muscles."

"Shut up and go to bed."

Thank goodness the cat was so simple, "Duh, g'night Ren!"

The sun cracked through the blinds as Stimpy slit his eyes open. Right next to him was a crusty abomination. Stimpy saw that the dog was no longer a dog but a dried up mummy encased in crusty orange gauze. 

"Ren!" screeched the cat, "Oh Ren! Why did I think I could play god?!!! Now you're dead!"

Tears erupted from his eyes, mourning his departed friend with heaving sobs and obnoxious blubbering. Already Stimpy had began lugging the headstone from underneath the bead when he heard a faint scratching sound. The cast of the dog had begun to shake and move violently, cracks appearing in the casing. As the dried goop began flying apart like peanut brittle, Stimpy's eyes were blinded by a light. He saw it. From the ruin of the dried Ren came the most perfect glistening hand he had ever seen. So sleek, yet so smooth. It the kind of skin people would die to attain.

"Ren...you're alive!" the cat grabbed a hold of his hand, pulling the chihuahua out. He found that he did not only only pull out his friend but...

"....holy salmon!" his eyes teared up from the searing luminosity of the dog's skin, "You're...you're beautiful!"

"It worked?" Ren cackled maniacally, "Yes it worked! No more do I have to wear baseball caps and over-sized t-shirts. Today is the day I leave the serfdom and I become the pope!"

He rushed over to the mirror, his laughter enough to send cracks in the mirror, "Beautiful! ME! ME! MEEEEE! HAHAAHA!"

It was in the park that many beared witness to an altogether strange--no, miraculous sight. One woman remarked, "His skin...it's so amazing."

"I find him appealing," added the gentleman next to her, "And I've been gelded!"

The sight these people remarked upon was the sparkling image of one bizarrely immaculate dog. In the sun his skin had become more fair, lacking a single pockmark or imperfection. Even despite the ugly shape of the dog, his skin alone transformed him into what many would consider as handsome.

"Here," one man said, "Take my wallet."

Ren grabbed it, nodding in agreement, "It's the least you can do for us beautiful people."

"You're absolutely right. In fact, take my will!"

Another stranger stepped in, "I can top that! Take my clothes!"

"Take my life insurance!" chimed another.

"Take my wife!"

In that afternoon alone Ren had made a haul of fortunes, policies, food, and potential dates. The beautiful mutt returned home a happy man. To celebrate the evening he had put away an entire turkey glazed in chocolate.

"The best thing is," he said at the end of his meal, "I don't have to worry about zits!"

Stimpy’s face nearly burst with rapture, “Isn’t it great?! Now I can cook you all my recipes from fried sawdust to backwash casserole!"

This particular course had proven its mantle to the dog’s taste buds. He licked his fingers. With little thought he founds himself putting his fingers in his mouth over and over.

“Why Ren,” said the cat, “I didn’t know you liked it that much.”

“Yeah...” Ren stared at his fingers with a puzzled look, “Guess I did.” 

The meal was over with. Ren had no other reason to talk with Stimpy or even associate with him. He threw his napkin over the table, stretching as he left, “If you need me I’ll be in the bathtub greasing myself with more Scrub.”

“Don’t stay there for too long!” Stimpy giggled.

“Yeah yeah,” his mood stayed lofty this night, “Now shut up.”

The bathtub had become a pool of orange gelatin. In the middle of this soup lay one dog, looking at his hands with a blazing intensity. Something looked tempting about those hands.  He found himself licking his hands as he piled more of the stuff on his body. _Guess I’m so good looking I can’t resist myself_ he thought. His eyes rolled back down to find he had begun thoroughly tonguing his stomach. The screech that tore from his vocal chords would impress a howler monkey. 

“What is wrong with me?!"

He sunk back into the ooze, a satisfactory grin on his face, “I guess I’m tired...I just need some sleep...” Scrub kept moving and spreading around his body, “After I add more Scrub...”

The next morning Stimpy’s feet felt wet as he walked into the bathroom. 

“Oh boy,” he said, “I hope it’s another backed-up pipe.”

Panning across the room he found Ren. He gave his hello, “Oh hey--REN!!!”

Horror dripped from his face. The chihuahua’s lovely skin had become more bloated, almost as if he gained weight. Despite that, he still found the dog irresistible to watch. Stimpy’s only complaint was what the dog had done to himself. He watched as Ren, a happy grimace painted on his face, pulled his humerus out from his skin.

“Hello Stimpson!” he grunted as he plucked the bone free, “How are you doing this fine day?”

“Ren!!” he sobbed, “Don’t you realize what you’re doing to yourself?! That’s no way to go on a diet!”

He held the bone in his now stringed noodle hand, “You wouldn’t understand, you’re too simple. But...I get so hungry...and there’s all this food in me! All this food that I have to eat! So I can be beautiful! Meat isn’t beautiful, Stimpy! So I started with my own tonsils, then my legs, the my live, and then more of my bones. I’d do it faster but the nerves were so tangly. And now I’m full!”

He shoved the bone in the cat’s face, “Now you have to finish it for me! Just this one bone!”

Stimpy’s face twisted in an expression of disgust, “But Ren...I don’t want to eat you!”

“I said LICK IT!” Ren smacked the cat with his bone, “That’s all I ask.”

A heavy orange haze hung in the air. Sniffling, Stimpy wrenched his eyes shut. Bending down, Stimpy began licking the bone, surprisingly redolent with orange material. The taste was a surprising mix  of gelatin and chicken fat. 

“Good boy Stimpson,” he patted his friend. His contented expression whirled to that of impatience, “NOW GREASE ME UP! I AIN’T GETTING ANY PRETTIER!”  
It was in the second week of the Scrub free trial Stimpy realized he had trouble getting in the house. Ren's skin had nearly filled every room, loose folds cluttering up the space with that orange haze. Even worse, the dog had not left the bathtub for days. Orange fog had begun to choke the cat.

"Ren..." he whined, "You need to get out of  that bathtub..."

"Shut up," he gurgled, his voice sounding like it had no rest these few days, "Keep greasing me. I need to be beautiful..."

"But Ren how am I supposed to get in?" 

"Just shut up and find a way you fool!" Ren pounded the bath tub.

He wanted his friend to be happy and Stimpy couldn't do that while outside could he? Stimpy jiggled the door, forcing himself into the ooze and grime. He struggled, he squirmed, panted and cried. And after his struggle he barely got in.

"Uh Ren? I'm stuck in the door. Your skin is crushing me."

Truly it was the end of the line for the dog. He sunk in the tub, drowning in his despair, "Great. Just great. Now my beauty will be gone! I can't put it on myself! I'll be ugly again! Not just ugly but FAT! Who's gonna think I'm beautiful now?"

The dog's eyes welled up, crying out of self pity. Nothing worse than a hurt ego, thought the dog. Stimpy felt his pain, "But Ren...I think you're pretty any way you are."

"R-really?" he sniffled.

Stimpy shook his head, "Yup! And when you get out I'll give you my special chocolate-fried turkey."

More tears sprung from his face, "Oh Stimpy...you're so kind to me...I don't deserve a friend like you..."

"Pshaw," the cat patted the fold of skin bulging against his face, "Think nothing of it."

In that moment of reconciliation Ren began to feel his heart warm up. In fact, Ren began to feel his body warm up. Soon his skin began to engorge itself, expanding at an alarming pace. By nightfall people gathered round to see his lovely skin for one last time. By the light of the setting sun Ren's body burst into a flood of shredded flesh and a thick orange liquid. Though cleanup crews decontaminated the area, the remains soon found their way into water supply and eventually all of Cananda was forced to evacuate.  
The Scrub company, a subsidiary of Marseille International Limited, bought up the vacant land. And that was how Canada became New France.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't in any way intend this to be serious


End file.
